:: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 ::

some days i just let go - (she flys through the air with the greatest of ease - i often dreamed, as a kid, of being a trapeze artist). control is a funny thing - it usta be the only way i could play life was to try to be in control - i was so scared of letting go. but i see it now as such an illusion. we never really control anything. we pretend, we struggle, we resist. in the surrender is the juice. somehow i've realized that it is like sex ... i only get to scream in the end if i surrender. the surrender, so sweet, frees me ... lets me be whatever i want to be ... whatever the moment calls for ... top, bottom, both ... i don't care ... i just i love screaming. today i have let go over & over - i'm screaming.
:: Kym 4:38 PM [+] ::
...

just what if she is not in a parallel world? what if she is in this world, real flesh i could touch? what if i gave up the longing & just opened my eyes to find her there? my insides tense at the thought ... then relax before the discomfort sets in. thick like syrup i let it pour over me - the possibility that she exists. i am no hunter, out to seek her hidding spot. in the absence of desparation she will just show up. perhaps in the absence of desparation i will just show up. soft, slow, hard, fast - i won't deny the rush - i am physical. but there is more to explore in when i clear my view. i dream, quietly, my own reality. on a white horse to wisk me off to safety ... i think not. with words maybe, with a look maybe, with a touch maybe - a horse not necessary. all the suffering quieted by myself before she arrives, i won't need her - i'll want her. i know too much - it makes me dangerous. i'll take it on this plane ... remove the thoughts of that parallel universe ... bride of frankenstein ... i'm creating you.
:: Kym 12:56 AM [+] ::
...

these late nights & early mornings would accommodate another by me - my breasts against a back - my lips on a neck - warmth as a florida chill breathes into the room from the bay. my skin heats at the thought ... there ... better now ... my mind always rescues me.
:: Kym 5:30 AM [+] ::
...

it is the noticable sense of calm that throws me off ... like some days i actually go hunting for the anxiety, my old friend, but i don't find her much ...always been calm on the exterior but to not have chaos raging inside is new. coming into a space of my own ... nothing forced ... just happening. choosing to just accept & be with things. i was so tired of the struggle (even though i created it) ... it is such a relief. the old rat-on-acid feelings were tough to cover up in polite company ... it's why my company was mostly not polite. now the peace is quiet & i'm content. a rush comes up now & then but dissipates quickly. more energy left to be of service with (walking the walk more than i am talking the talk these days).

it plays out in a lot of ways ... mostly i notice i got my arms open ... come on in, lil darlin', i can hold you now without it being all about my own agenda (usta have to have someone here to fill something in me that i didn't have, usta use women like putty to even out the holes in me, usta take them in to make myself feel worth while ... bet it wasn't very fun for you was it?). now, even though i love a good slumber party, i sleep well in this bed alone - quiet, peaceful, calm. i can play it deeper with the chaos gone or does playing it deeper shut the chaos down? who cares ... it's gone. all i ever wanted was to be loved (show me, prove it to me, me, me) now i get the thrill of actually loving (& the love amazingly comes back at me) ...

funny how we just don't get it til we get it.
it is a new chapter. enter anxiety free zone. don't touch the vertical, don't touch the horizontial.
:: Kym 12:34 AM [+] ::
...

crossing time & space like they were puddles - expansion is just physics 101 isn't it?
:: Kym 4:50 PM [+] ::
...

driving home - the fog thick & beautiful - making the world, as i see it, like a surrealistic solorizied photograph - the streelights peering through the darkness, catching pieces of trees & buildings like fireflies. i turn the car around suddenly & drive, unable to stop myself, to the beach. i can't see, as i travel, the other side of the bridge or the water far below - i feel like i am floating, suspended in time & space. finally i get there, through the city, partially invisible, glistening in the mist - an inch at a time it seems - and when i get out of my car & walk i can't see the shore but i can smell the salt. my body moves towards the smells of the waves ... feet solid in the sand. i am suddenly free. i had forgotten how i lust for it until this instant. always creating a life that is too busy ... how i seldom visit ... but tonight was a nite made for it. magically as i reach the water and my toes feel the coolness, i can see out - through patches of the thickness. there in front of me the moon dances on the water & a million memories come back of the times i have stood at the edge before. my soul calms & peacefulness sets in. i don't know what lead me here but i followed the knowing. it was the fog. time passes, or not ... i lose track. then, just as i knew i had to come i know i need to go. i race back to be with my own personal water - the water right outside my own doors. as i drive back, the fog gets more dense each minute, protecting me somehow. finally i am back & inside my treehouse in the sky, i don't turn on the lights. the fog again, now on the balcony, lures me out & i sit quietly. i cannot see beyond my railings, but once again i smell the salt - knowing it is out there, down below. a night for water in all its forms.

i suspect the whole adventure was crafted by my spirit. could it have generated the fog to lead me - to call me? my spirit: wild & restless lately, knows the magic of the water ... knows how its power has me surrender ... restoring my clarity, erasing every tension. i am instantly serene with the water near. my spirit knew i had forgotten that. it had to show me

i'll seek the water out tomorrow when the fog has lifted & the sun is out - i'll look out over these same railings with renewed trust & wisdom - not letting myself get too busy to be with it. tomorrow, i know, it will be like a mystery ... was there really fog or was the fog only in my head, did i actually go to the beach or did i never leave this chair ... like waking from a dream not sure of what was real or not. no matter ... i'll just tell myself this story of how the fog lead me to it ... & i'll be thankful.

for now - i'll open the sliding glass doors by my bed & imagine hearing the waves below until i sleep.
:: Kym 11:52 PM [+] ::
...

the truth is ... that i do love u like that ...
the truth is ... that i'm here for u ...
the truth is ... that i still choose u to be in my life...

i don't get it myself (how can i expect anyone else to - but i don't care - i don't have to get it, doesn't matter if i understand, sure doesn't matter if anyone else understands - just is)

i am, now, someone that i never knew myself to be - someone who can, hands down, just love u ... pure stuph ... just as u are (as is)... no need for u to be anything but u, all of u, even the parts i have yet to discover. who i knew myself to be, who i knew u to be ... evolving

i adore u ... consistent. i am a stand for u ... constant.

i know u love me too. no illusions, i got the what-is, now. i ain't the one in some ways - but, in some ways i am - i know that too - i am the one who will love u like this, that is the one i am. i am the one who will be here, that is the one i am.

i have moved on with the river, not resisting anymore ...
i have moved beyond wishing & hoping, no more poor me, no victim, no martyr ...
i accept it as it is ... no, i cherise it as it is ... no where to go no place to get ... simple

my power is back - & from that space of power - i can really love you like this, walk the walk more each day ... speaking my truth to you, listening to your truth to me. i am finally being who i wanted to be with you - it will only expand. the mechanism mostly quiet. it wasn't instant, i had to let myself catch up with my committment. there was a gap - between my committment & where i was. i had to really look at myself - it wasn't easy to take in what i saw - but, i was/am willing to look - my committment big. thank u - it was a view of me that i needed to see.

we both win. big grrls playing a big game - a game that we can actually win at. for me, it's a bigger game than i ever dared to play before & i sit strong & steady - winning. and right here, right now, i am grateful.

a poem, written in the heat of summer, from a woman who, unknowlingly, would change my life:
"... discover me."
i have never stopped doing that.
& what are your dreams now, sweet one?
i'll always want to know.
:: Kym 2:46 AM [+] ::
...

there is this twisted side of me that i love - i usta think of it as my dark side but now i know that it is just a side - neither dark nor light - just a side -

she is the bad ass, the trouble seeker, the risk taker, the one-who-is-open-to-anything ... she resides undercover & surfaces late at night mostly: smoking her cloves & grinning a knowing grin. dare u to join her, flip u like a pancake, give u different things to think about, challenge u to let go, seduce u into sides of u that u never knew u had ...

wild & free ... laughing deep as she sees where u are headed before u do. teasing & stimulating & intriquing ... soft & silky or hard & rough ... u never know ... u won't care. no guilt, no shame, no apologies - she knows u love it. the more innocent u try to be the more she wants to entice u - don't even pretend with her - she knows what lies underneath it all.

i awaken in her - i welcome her - my twisted side - why deny her existence? my internal muse ... she nurishes my creativity ... she sparks my passion ... bring her on.

& what dreams are u dreaming now i wonder? nevermind ...she knows.



:: Kym 2:50 AM [+] ::
...

the days weave in & out - a tapestry of colors & textures -

today i want affection (who knows what i will want tomorrow, a few days ago it was sex )

yesterday there was a house full of people - 50 or so in & out - old friends, new faces (come on up - welcome - the more the merrier - sure bring whoever you'd like - of course there is beer - o, my gawd, she is cute - bring her along) -wandering in & out, Gasparilla (Tampa's Marti Gras) filling the streets below my condo - beads being thrown, people drinking & playing wildly, thousands of party people - i felt the old me, the life of the party, surfacing & playing - then the parade passed & the crowds followed it & the party soon ceased (you're leaving? why? we just got started. your TIRED???? o, for gawd's sake, what do you mean it's too cold to travel wiith the parade downtown?). i saw the last of my guests to the last of their beers & sat alone in my living room - the streets below quieter except for the last few drunks who were screaming at each other unable to figure out where the action had gone. i was content though - i had played - i had let loose - everyone had fun. i took to cleaning & spinning CDs - tons of beer to still be had (i might as well be the one to attack it). i finally slept - the sleep of a woman who confirmed she was loved by her friends - the sleep of a woman who could make even the shyest person feel at home & keep the laugher going no matter what. i slept as a woman who actually really loves herself.

and this morning i awoke & went about my sunday slow - humming as i finished cleaning up - checking my emails to find "thank you"s & "lets plot something else soon"s & "it was so good to play with you again"s ... and as i reach a lull in the day i realize that i really just want someone to curl up on the couch with and watch movies ... affection. and now i get to just be OK with that. i am here alone & i am peaceful & calm with me. playing with the dogs, taking in affection from them. pondering who i need to be to generate affection in my life on an on-going basis.

i am finding some joy in just being able to label what i want at any giving moment - there is something in me that knows that if i can label it i can be content with what is & then i can create it.

i usta think i had to surpress my wants, put them away so i didn't have to recogonize that there may be something i want that i don't have - but it is different somehow now ... now i get to cause it to happen, create it just the way i want it - no pouting coz i don't have it - i just don't have it right now, OK, what do i have that i can be grateful for instead? lets just be good with what is - and then i can just be open to receiving it, to magnitizing it towards me - just look around for where it may be & be who i need to be to have it -

humming i head off to roam outside & be affectionate with everyone i might encounter - who knows what affection may be returned?


:: Kym 2:04 PM [+] ::
...

it was a typical friday night in a Leaderhip class - i sat quietly - everything started because one women, who had struggled with being timid & powerless with people, realized where the lack of power started - it was in her past, as a 12 year old - being molested by older cousins "They loved me" she said through the tears, as she shook, bearing all in front of us. As she talked she shifted & the anger arose & she spoke what she had never spoken - how it had been - "I was scared to tell anyone." "I hated what they were doing but I wanted the attention so badly that I made it all OK." not knowing how to deal with it - her innocence stripped away - "I was so free before then." we got the impact that had been with her for 35 years following it - mistrusting men, hating them, unable to ever have a relationship - She had never been able to complete it - they had both died several years later. In a final gasp she screamed, "I am so glad you are both dead, you deserved to die for what you did to me!" The pain laid in the room and the classroom leader saw that others were shaken, she looked them in the eyes & asked, "What is coming up for you?" & as she did each of them in turn came up to the front of the room & shared their tales - tales they too had never shared, tales that had shut them down in life too. One molested at 13 after leaving school one day - she was lucky - someone came by & rescued her - another raped at 15 by a family member, a man shared about how his father & brother were murdered in his home of El Salvador & at 15 he had to "leave his country, not knowing who was responsible, hating & mistrusting everyone in it - never to return - never trusting again." In the back of the class another guy began sobbing - The leader just kept asking, "What is coming up for you?" This man told about his rape in colllege & how dirty he was left - how he had "hated himself every since then". All the same loses - a loss of themselves, a loss of power - silence ... different ages, same pain inflicted - there was nothing to do for them. Finally - they were all at a point of rage - and the leader placed a man from the class in front of them & told them to use him as their agressor - to say what they felt now, to get it out - and they did, "You fuck ... I hate you ... You took my innocence" ANd then what came from them was this extrodinary union of shouting what they had been to scared to shout when it happen: "NOOOOOOOOOO" & "STOPPPPPPPPP" - & one-by-one the voices got louder, the voices they had lost so long ago came back. They now stood, together, powerful in the face of their past. They had, in this moment, separated what happened from what they had made it mean all these years - about themselves, about men, about life - locked off in their own steel cages, unable to be intimate, to love, to even speak for themselves - and as they screamed i watched them shift - the anger barrelling out of them - the hate raging in them - this gang - this group of smart, successful people in a Leadership class - trapped for a lifetime in a place they had imprisioned themselves - and the shift was happening before my eyes - their bodies relaxing finally, their voices powerful & clear finally - the truth out.

the tears welled up in my eyes - i wanted to do something - i wanted to erase it all for them - all i could do is be there & love them. my own rape flashing before my eyes - 24 years old, a subway exit in New York - my fear, my desire to just live, my utter numbness as i picked myself up after they left me alone after tossing me out of a car miles from my apartment. i had, over the years, accepted it for what it was - i had become complete with it - not blambing myself - not blambing the whole male species. but right now, in this moment, i remember the terror, i felt the coldness of the knife blade & heard the prayers i was saying in my head that they would just take my body but not kill me, it was fresh like it was happening now.

and i gulped in my breathe as i realized how many acts of violence happen each day & how many lives are ruined & dreams shattered by it. crippled people - left to figure it out, left in permanent fear & hate & numbness.

and i stood in awe as i watched - in an hour - 7 people regain their whole lives in this class, forgive themselves, take in the love that was sourrounding them & really see a new future for themselves. i knew that they would go home tonight to family & lovers and tell them what they had uncovered & the people in their lives would never understand what had happened in this room tonight ... but they would know that it was a miracle of sorts - they would know that the person who had left home earlier, the cold, mistrusting, scared, quiet person had returned with a voice. that love was finally present in their homes.

& me ... i so got, with a renewed passion, that i am committed that every human in the world who is suffering has freedom. i am committed to shifting the world - a person at a time - a group at a time - a community at a time - a country at a time until violence & pain & hunger & suffering is something we only read about in history books. it is these moments that i know i am on the right path - that i know i have work to do - that i know i have a purpose - that i am unstoppable - that i know I am a Leader.

i know that i will never be the same again after tonight. as long as i live i will revist this evening whenever i find myself questioning my committment. and it was so clear that Leadership is this - Leadership is facing our ugliest truths - the things we dare not speak - & moving them out of our way so that we can be with people and for people. Leadership is not found in some nice polite set of rules about how to manage people - it is found in simply being a person who dares to face themselves.
:: Kym 3:08 AM [+] ::
...

contemplating sexuality ... such a drive ... wondering if there is a replacement for it? budda, jesus, mohammad - isn't it the holy ones who live without. i am not so holy. i confess: i love sex - i crave sex - i want sex. in a category all alone - can't replace sex with good conversation or laughter with friends or art or even love & visa versa. they all have a place - i want them all. i remember now - times when i did without - out of games or spite or revenge - denying myself to get back at someone else - twisted sagas of relationships. i remember when i did without coz the one next to me just didn't do that for me (but i knew i could get it elsewhere from someone who did). mostly though, i remember times when i did without coz i was just dead inside - didn't want physical connections to others. but i am back ... nothing dead here now. it burns in me ... the desire to just be sexual. it is like rediscovering any passion ... once you have it again you don't want to be without it.

my eyes comb the rooms i enter - you? or you? or you? shocked at myself that i would actually consider seeking it out. laughing as i know that i won't. yet, the kind of eye contact i am attracting tells me that i am giving off a scent of heat. sensing trouble i avoid the bars - women so complicated - i am not looking for some instant committment, no small talk, no pretense - i just want to be wild - i want a space to let go in. got art, got love, got friends, got conversation (gawd, do i have conversation? i have intimate conversation, loving convseration, brillant conversation, deep conversation, witty conversation ... i got conversation). don't get me wrong ... i cherise those things - i so appreciate those things - i once wanted them too - i don't want to be without them again either (& when i didn't have them sex couldn't fill their gap any more than they can fill the gap of sex).

a drawer of toys to play with ... alone - lame, fruitless, unfulfilling. those toys are meant to be shared. they stop short of the real thrill right now.

i am sure someone would tell me there is an inauthenticity at play - i don't care. know what i want. i want to hear someone else moaning & screaming - i want to feel her heat pulsing - i want to see her eyes responding. would i settle? could i make something else subsitute for a woman in my bed? - i look over at the phone - my webcam ... no one to call ... no one to view. hummmm, i am dipping low now aren't i? besides, i want a real woman beside me - i want to be flesh to flesh. wondering how many people would consider this to be the voice of desparation - but i don't feel desparate - i am just stating a want (think twice, darlings, how well do you do without it - you're above that you think? perhaps you are just dead like i usta be? or you are looking over at that person who doesn't do it for you? or you are busy making someone pay? or you are pretending it doesn't matter much to you?) at least i am willing to say it - not a nymph - just human - just a woman who will talk about it. got no reason to pretend.

i smile quietly to myself - whoever gets here first is gonna really enjoy me unleashing this with her - she won't be disappointed i'm sure.

maybe tomorrow. just accept what's so: i am tired & hot. i can fulfill one of the 2 right now ... i will. sleep seems smart.


:: Kym 2:43 AM [+] ::
...

life be like that ... mirrors to one another - sometimes you get to something before i do sometiimes i get to something before you do ... but we mirror one another .... i see me in you ... i wanna reach out and soothe the me in you, laugh with her, cry with her, be in awe with her. i watch intently for each little twist not knowing if i discovered it in you or you discovered it in me. my grandmother (she really loved me for exactly who i was -she was the only human example i ever had of unconditional love) usta say a lot of things but the 2 i remember the most was "if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger" & "if it is really love then when one cries the other tastes salt" - granny was a wise woman - i am stronger, do you taste salt?
:: Kym 2:13 AM [+] ::
...

:-) some freedom - everything done today - connecting with old friends, mom, peers - deadlines met - moving forward again - being a clearing for everyone around me to be appreciated & loved. no loud garble screaming in my head - listening to others, being of service - it shifts things - for me - for them - and now, at the end of the day - my eyes heavy - i am content & happy curling up with the dogs, the coolness from the bay blowing in through the sliding doors - peaceful sound of the fountains inside & out - water - calming spirit of water - my life is flowing - i am moving with it -
:: Kym 1:10 AM [+] ::
...