:: Saturday, March 20, 2004 ::

be a while since i wandered around out here with my words on display & my skin exposed. i have such a rich life ... and the missings show up more now. when nothing worked i could barely even tell when something new fell out of synch ... now i little hint of disarray & i zero in on it like it is bigger than life itself. running from call to call & connection to connection & action to action ... my days filled with sensations & rewards. i no longer just count being awake as a victory, breathing is not enough to consider myself living. i spin around at times just trying to catch who is pushing me forward or playing ventriloquist with my lips ... i never find anyone there ... it keeps leading me to believe it is me, just me. i have become powerful when i was not looking. i have become loving & soft inside, touched by those around me, craving to interact. & still in all of that i keep secrets from myself ... the secret of the missings. i open only so far & then unbelievable fear creeps in ... deeper & deeper stuph as i strip the layers away. wanting to make a difference with myself in addition to others.

i go in & out of knowing who i am. i am someone who deserves it one minute & then denies it another. i laugh from my gut & then wonder if it was all that funny. & right now i sit & ponder my worthiness. it is what always comes up ... am i worth of the missings? those moments i answer yes the missings show up & then in the same fleeting amount of time i can hsut them all down & make them disappear in my unworthiness. let me coach you - i can spin you around in seconds [don't turn the table on me though or i will stop in my tracks].

so why haven't i created her in my life? what am i afraid of? she is one of the missings ... beside me ... with me ... next to me ... she isn't there. i haven't created her yet. i tempt her, i call her forth & then, just as quickly i pretend i can't have her just to cover up that i don't know how to be with her. she'll remain a mystery until i give up this little game.

so who am i fooling? just me i fear. clock ticking, time passing me by. i resist my own greatest desire. i can't have her & i'll prove it to myself. how silly can i be? how big of a fool am i willing to acept myself as? it is the craziness of it all ... i could have her now if i would just give up the game & yet i keep playing, holding on tightly to my independenance, protecting my bed, my heart, my soul from any slim chance that i might get hurt ... and i hurt anyhow.

so come on, baby - try me. i give it up. you are cordially (or not so cordially perhaps) invited to give me a spin. i've been wearing my invisible woman outfit for too long & i'm willing to take it off now. i'm gonna show up .... now. yes, it's me ... come over & sit for a spell & tell me about yourself & i'll listen, but even more than listening, i'll share too. look in my eyes - they'll shine at you i promise - but even more than shining, they'll look inside us both.

i am here but i won't be for long - i am coming after you. i can feel your presence getting closer & i don't want to wait any more - i'm ready to come looking for you. beware, you may be the one who falls for me ... i
:: Kym 3:06 AM [+] ::
...

pulling the string that was hangin loose - you began to unravel something that soon left me naked. & i stand here not even pretending to be shy, not reaching for anything to cover up with ... rather calm & focused & intriqued with the ease by which you pulled it all off. you didn't even put any effort into it - just a single swift move & it was done, unraveled.

there is a candle burning by my bed so you can find me in the dark when you show up. the shadows it casts on my face covers up the tear marks from the cry i had - florescent salt - happiness has an odd effect on me it seems. my body is warm & wanting - crawl in close when you get here & i'll wrap around you with my arms & legs & breathe til you rest as part of me - hard & deep & safe. don't even think about how far you had to travel or if you'll ever need to go back. when we awaken i'll blow out the candle & tuck the string under your pillow - a souvenir to show the grandkids someday. it'll add real credence to the story of how we met when we were both being too powerful to stop ourselves & we let the simpliest of strings define a destiny.
:: Kym 2:27 AM [+] ::
...

spiraling upward ... the levity taking my breathe away at moments ...i don't know how to respond - i just respond - i look in my internal dictionary for the meanings & can't even spell the words close enough to find them - i scan the bookshelves & the photos around me - i knew her once, the woman who lives here, she is still a part of me, i sleep in her bed, wear her clothes, talk to her mother on the phone, see her in the mirrors as i pass by. she had these dreams & here i am, the one who is beginning to live them. i don't miss her & when she shows up i don't have much left to say to her. she is becoming as foreign as familiar. a shadow self of some other time. fade out.
:: Kym 10:12 PM [+] ::
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