PAST IN MY FUTURE

 

Not knowing what to do with my hands
As I move around in my seat
These hands that hold lives in them daily
Suddenly, the silly 15 year old in me
Battling for my own power
That fluctuates around you
Floating in and out of comfort
My safety net gone
I listen to your voice
As you spin your tales
Anxious to know anything
You are willing to share

You … so breathtakingly beautiful
Your eyes suck me in
My fingers tingle inches from your skin
I resist & surrender over & over
Moving myself out of my way
Only to show up again
Appropriateness creeps in as an excuse
Like I have ever been appropriate
Noticing my game of
Not wanting to like you
While wanting you to like me
So I can like you
Even though I know I like you anyway
My strange new vulnerability rules
Me … I can only be me
Hushing my thoughts
So you don’t hear them
Knowing I will tell you anyway

That first time I saw you
I gasped … a silent gasp
Sensual dark woman with a fast smile
You knew all too well
The effect you had on others
It preceded you into the room
I summed it up instantly
Me the radical freak
You the conservative athlete
I could never attract a woman like you
Not enough for you … all wrong
Easier to pretend I wasn’t interested
I was better at being cool then
A grand fuck-you anytime I got scared
Scared constantly
The perfect cover-up for a fake
Who would rather not feel
Who equated feelings with pain

I caught myself
Looking for you everywhere after that
Spotting you occasionally
Never prepared for my reactions
Then, when I finally stopped looking
You show up, many years later
Different context
Same intense beauty running deeper
Time & experience having shifted things
Things having shifted in me
You always with someone
Noting I was not like them
Still thinking I am not enough for you
Asking about you every chance I could anyhow
Looking for you again everywhere I went
Going miles anticipating seeing you across a room
Wondering if I would ever have a moment
When you would be single
And I had the courage

I don’t have a clue how it will go
Don’t even know who I am being
Don’t care to label it
Just enjoying your conversations
Lavishing the sight of you
No expectations
Stronger, now, is …
A desire to discover you
My desire while discovering you

Come a little closer, dark woman
Time is ticking
Allow us both a chance
At something we can’t predict
No danger for you here
I won’t back away
I will surprise you
As I surprise myself

2017-10-09T21:40:03+00:00